In this Windhorse, Lama Trinley continues to interview sangha members about their experience of integrating dharma into daily life.
LT: When and how did you first encounter the buddha-dharma?
M: It was the summer we were living at the Horizon School in Williams, Oregon, acting as gatekeepers for the Rigdzin Gatsal land that I met Rinpoche, and my first impression of him was “Grandfather.” I didn’t know anything about Eastern religions, but my relationship with my maternal grandfather had been incredible. He was a kind, wonderful man who never said a cross word. When I met Rinpoche I immediately recognized the same love and kindness in him. A seed was planted during my first Red Tara empowerment in 1989, but not much came of it for a while. It was all so foreign to me. I attended my first drubchen in 1990 and returned with my three kids the following year, when Sena was eight, Jeb eleven, and Nadja twelve.
Before we moved to Williams we were very isolated, living on a twenty-three-mile gravel road that ended in the middle of nowhere. I taught at a preschool once a week, but I had to drive for an hour and a half either around or over a mountain to get there. Around the time that I gave birth to Sena, I realized I needed a community because I didn’t have the support of a spiritual practice back then. I think that growing up so close to nature was the greatest gift the kids had. Nadja and Jeb had each other as friends. We didn’t have a TV, but we did let them watch a few movies now and then when VCRs first came out. We always had reading. We would go to the library and bring back a whole box of books every week. That was very special.
LT: Speaking from your own experience, what can parents do to encourage their kids’ receptivity to the dharma?
M: Children can’t be taught values, especially when they are very small. Values have to be modeled. Kids pick up what is around them. So I was very grateful that I met Rinpoche when my kids were at just the right age to learn the dharma from him. It wasn’t something they could learn from me, because I was learning it along with them.
Modeling respect for nature is a wonderful way to teach kids about compassion. You can say, “Here is a little ant that you want to be careful with. Imagine if you were a tiny ant and a giant came along; wouldn’t you be afraid?” It’s the same with plants. You may harvest things out of the garden or cut flowers, but you wouldn’t go through the woods just tearing out ferns or small trees. I had the kids imagine being a fern that was pulled up for no reason. So even though I didn’t have a dharma vocabulary then, I still tried to arouse compassion in them.
When I first started practicing Red Tara, my friend Drusilla gave me invaluable advice, which was to truly embody Tara when I sat in meditation. Who is Tara? Tara is loving kindness and compassion. So whenever my three young kids interrupted my practice, I always tried to respond with kindness and compassion, without irritation.
Imagine if you were Tara sitting on a cushion and a kid came along and said, “Mom, where is the peanut butter?” You wouldn’t say, “Quit bothering me, I’m trying to meditate.” You would just take a breath, accept the interruption, say, “The peanut butter is in the fridge,” and then go back to your practice. If you have to leave your seat, you do so as Tara and then sit back down again. You just do your best in the moment.
I find that scheduling is really important. In the morning I try to do a little practice before it’s time for Sena to get ready for school. Then I help her with breakfast and whatever else she might need. When she’s gone I sit down and resume my practice. I try to make being a loving and helpful parent part of my practice. Finding the right time to meditate is part of it.
Another thing you can do is involve your kids. If you’re doing Tara practice, hand them a mandala pan and let them make a mess. The first time we went to Tara practice in Cottage Grove, Lama Inge handed Jeb a conch shell and Nadja a bell. There is such purity in a child’s involvement that it doesn’t matter if some rice spills on the floor or they ring the bell at the wrong time.
The kids and I practiced together from the beginning, which was a wonderful way for our family to bond. We’d spread out a sheet in the bedroom and offer mandalas. We would do Red Tara practice together whenever someone we knew was havin a health crisis. At those times it gave us something to hold on to because it was the only thing we knew to do to help.
LT: Which aspects of dharma practice do you find that kids respond most positively to?
M: I think Tara is really wonderful for kids. Tara is like Mom. She is the ideal Mom—loving, compassionate, and all the things that go along with that. I think Tara is easy for kids to understand. At home we would often do very short practice sessions because I never wanted to stretch their attention span too far. We would close quickly and let them build on that. If you stretch kids too far, they can’t wait for the closing prayer. Of course, I can’t say how a tulku should be trained, but in the shrine room I always had stuff for the kids—crayons, paper, and things like dried fruit to help keep them alert and happy.
When you are raising kids, it is very powerful to do some- thing together, to work toward a goal. We made robes and text covers to help pay our way to the drubchen and that was a wonderful experience—a high point for us. Eventually the kids got tired of the sewing projects. But that’s how everything is with kids. You may get excited about finding some new creative way to motivate them, but two weeks later it doesn’t work anymore. So you have to think up something else.
I avoided reward and punishment with my kids. I wanted the motivation for certain things to come from within—for them to see the natural reward. Sewing robes to go to drubchen was a
natural reward, not an artificial thing like paying them to wash dishes or giving them a dollar if they sat quietly for an hour.
Ba and Josette Luvmour’s ideas on raising children have been really helpful for us. We have attended their workshops and read their book Natural Learning Rhythms. The Luvmours’ basic idea is that each child has wisdom at every stage. It’s not as though childhood is something you just go through to become an adult. It helped us to understand what was appropriate for our kids at different ages.
When Jeb was having a hard time as a teenager, Lama Drimed let him stay at Rigdzin Ling for a few months. Rather than having to get up at a certain time and act a certain way, Jeb worked on stupas until 3 am. I will be forever grateful to Lama Drimed for making the time and space for Jeb to get out of the nest and yet still be in a supportive environment. It was invaluable for him.
LT: How do you think a parent can best help the natural qualities of kindness and compassion unfold in their children?
M: When kids are young, teaching them to respect the land and little creatures really helps. Also it’s good for them to have animals to care for and love. And as they get older there are other ways they can help. We used to sing and play music at a nursing home or work with younger children. As a parent, you can make time to help your child take care of someone else. All my kids did this, and Sena is still doing it. I try to make it a positive experience. I get the juice, change the diapers, and help with the ideas. I try to support her in giving to another child. It’s good for teenagers to do service of some kind, because it's really easy for them to be self-centered. They can help out in a nursing home, with a handicapped child, or in a preschool. Jeb sometimes helped people out with firewood. It’s important for kids to see that some people are not as fortunate as they are or are having a difficult time and that they can make a difference in someone’s life.
LT: What would you say is the most important thing you have learned from your children?
M: It’s what my children taught me about heart, about love. This was something I was trying to teach them, but because kids are so pure they are even better at it. The most wonderful thing about kids is that they can become better at all of it than you. They reminded me to be kinder through their example of kindness to others. They would often help me soften my heart to a situation. Probably the greatest reward of parenting has been seeing their love going out and coming back. That’s Tara, the light and the love.
Mayche Cech and her husband Richo have three children: Nadja, Jeb, and Sena, who grew up on a small family farm amid gardening, music, art, dharma, and love. Mayche and Richo grow medicinal plants for seed and market them through their seed company, Horizon Herbs, in Williams, Oregon.
In this Windhorse, Lama Trinley continues to interview sangha members about their experience of integrating dharma into daily life.
LT: When and how did you first encounter the buddha-dharma?
M: It was the summer we were living at the Horizon School in Williams, Oregon, acting as gatekeepers for the Rigdzin Gatsal land that I met Rinpoche, and my first impression of him was “Grandfather.” I didn’t know anything about Eastern religions, but my relationship with my maternal grandfather had been incredible. He was a kind, wonderful man who never said a cross word. When I met Rinpoche I immediately recognized the same love and kindness in him. A seed was planted during my first Red Tara empowerment in 1989, but not much came of it for a while. It was all so foreign to me. I attended my first drubchen in 1990 and returned with my three kids the following year, when Sena was eight, Jeb eleven, and Nadja twelve.
Before we moved to Williams we were very isolated, living on a twenty-three-mile gravel road that ended in the middle of nowhere. I taught at a preschool once a week, but I had to drive for an hour and a half either around or over a mountain to get there. Around the time that I gave birth to Sena, I realized I needed a community because I didn’t have the support of a spiritual practice back then. I think that growing up so close to nature was the greatest gift the kids had. Nadja and Jeb had each other as friends. We didn’t have a TV, but we did let them watch a few movies now and then when VCRs first came out. We always had reading. We would go to the library and bring back a whole box of books every week. That was very special.
LT: Speaking from your own experience, what can parents do to encourage their kids’ receptivity to the dharma?
M: Children can’t be taught values, especially when they are very small. Values have to be modeled. Kids pick up what is around them. So I was very grateful that I met Rinpoche when my kids were at just the right age to learn the dharma from him. It wasn’t something they could learn from me, because I was learning it along with them.
Modeling respect for nature is a wonderful way to teach kids about compassion. You can say, “Here is a little ant that you want to be careful with. Imagine if you were a tiny ant and a giant came along; wouldn’t you be afraid?” It’s the same with plants. You may harvest things out of the garden or cut flowers, but you wouldn’t go through the woods just tearing out ferns or small trees. I had the kids imagine being a fern that was pulled up for no reason. So even though I didn’t have a dharma vocabulary then, I still tried to arouse compassion in them.
When I first started practicing Red Tara, my friend Drusilla gave me invaluable advice, which was to truly embody Tara when I sat in meditation. Who is Tara? Tara is loving kindness and compassion. So whenever my three young kids interrupted my practice, I always tried to respond with kindness and compassion, without irritation.
Imagine if you were Tara sitting on a cushion and a kid came along and said, “Mom, where is the peanut butter?” You wouldn’t say, “Quit bothering me, I’m trying to meditate.” You would just take a breath, accept the interruption, say, “The peanut butter is in the fridge,” and then go back to your practice. If you have to leave your seat, you do so as Tara and then sit back down again. You just do your best in the moment.
I find that scheduling is really important. In the morning I try to do a little practice before it’s time for Sena to get ready for school. Then I help her with breakfast and whatever else she might need. When she’s gone I sit down and resume my practice. I try to make being a loving and helpful parent part of my practice. Finding the right time to meditate is part of it.
Another thing you can do is involve your kids. If you’re doing Tara practice, hand them a mandala pan and let them make a mess. The first time we went to Tara practice in Cottage Grove, Lama Inge handed Jeb a conch shell and Nadja a bell. There is such purity in a child’s involvement that it doesn’t matter if some rice spills on the floor or they ring the bell at the wrong time.
The kids and I practiced together from the beginning, which was a wonderful way for our family to bond. We’d spread out a sheet in the bedroom and offer mandalas. We would do Red Tara practice together whenever someone we knew was havin a health crisis. At those times it gave us something to hold on to because it was the only thing we knew to do to help.
LT: Which aspects of dharma practice do you find that kids respond most positively to?
M: I think Tara is really wonderful for kids. Tara is like Mom. She is the ideal Mom—loving, compassionate, and all the things that go along with that. I think Tara is easy for kids to understand. At home we would often do very short practice sessions because I never wanted to stretch their attention span too far. We would close quickly and let them build on that. If you stretch kids too far, they can’t wait for the closing prayer. Of course, I can’t say how a tulku should be trained, but in the shrine room I always had stuff for the kids—crayons, paper, and things like dried fruit to help keep them alert and happy.
When you are raising kids, it is very powerful to do some- thing together, to work toward a goal. We made robes and text covers to help pay our way to the drubchen and that was a wonderful experience—a high point for us. Eventually the kids got tired of the sewing projects. But that’s how everything is with kids. You may get excited about finding some new creative way to motivate them, but two weeks later it doesn’t work anymore. So you have to think up something else.
I avoided reward and punishment with my kids. I wanted the motivation for certain things to come from within—for them to see the natural reward. Sewing robes to go to drubchen was a
natural reward, not an artificial thing like paying them to wash dishes or giving them a dollar if they sat quietly for an hour.
Ba and Josette Luvmour’s ideas on raising children have been really helpful for us. We have attended their workshops and read their book Natural Learning Rhythms. The Luvmours’ basic idea is that each child has wisdom at every stage. It’s not as though childhood is something you just go through to become an adult. It helped us to understand what was appropriate for our kids at different ages.
When Jeb was having a hard time as a teenager, Lama Drimed let him stay at Rigdzin Ling for a few months. Rather than having to get up at a certain time and act a certain way, Jeb worked on stupas until 3 am. I will be forever grateful to Lama Drimed for making the time and space for Jeb to get out of the nest and yet still be in a supportive environment. It was invaluable for him.
LT: How do you think a parent can best help the natural qualities of kindness and compassion unfold in their children?
M: When kids are young, teaching them to respect the land and little creatures really helps. Also it’s good for them to have animals to care for and love. And as they get older there are other ways they can help. We used to sing and play music at a nursing home or work with younger children. As a parent, you can make time to help your child take care of someone else. All my kids did this, and Sena is still doing it. I try to make it a positive experience. I get the juice, change the diapers, and help with the ideas. I try to support her in giving to another child. It’s good for teenagers to do service of some kind, because it's really easy for them to be self-centered. They can help out in a nursing home, with a handicapped child, or in a preschool. Jeb sometimes helped people out with firewood. It’s important for kids to see that some people are not as fortunate as they are or are having a difficult time and that they can make a difference in someone’s life.
LT: What would you say is the most important thing you have learned from your children?
M: It’s what my children taught me about heart, about love. This was something I was trying to teach them, but because kids are so pure they are even better at it. The most wonderful thing about kids is that they can become better at all of it than you. They reminded me to be kinder through their example of kindness to others. They would often help me soften my heart to a situation. Probably the greatest reward of parenting has been seeing their love going out and coming back. That’s Tara, the light and the love.
Mayche Cech and her husband Richo have three children: Nadja, Jeb, and Sena, who grew up on a small family farm amid gardening, music, art, dharma, and love. Mayche and Richo grow medicinal plants for seed and market them through their seed company, Horizon Herbs, in Williams, Oregon.
In this Windhorse, Lama Trinley continues to interview sangha members about their experience of integrating dharma into daily life.
LT: When and how did you first encounter the buddha-dharma?
M: It was the summer we were living at the Horizon School in Williams, Oregon, acting as gatekeepers for the Rigdzin Gatsal land that I met Rinpoche, and my first impression of him was “Grandfather.” I didn’t know anything about Eastern religions, but my relationship with my maternal grandfather had been incredible. He was a kind, wonderful man who never said a cross word. When I met Rinpoche I immediately recognized the same love and kindness in him. A seed was planted during my first Red Tara empowerment in 1989, but not much came of it for a while. It was all so foreign to me. I attended my first drubchen in 1990 and returned with my three kids the following year, when Sena was eight, Jeb eleven, and Nadja twelve.
Before we moved to Williams we were very isolated, living on a twenty-three-mile gravel road that ended in the middle of nowhere. I taught at a preschool once a week, but I had to drive for an hour and a half either around or over a mountain to get there. Around the time that I gave birth to Sena, I realized I needed a community because I didn’t have the support of a spiritual practice back then. I think that growing up so close to nature was the greatest gift the kids had. Nadja and Jeb had each other as friends. We didn’t have a TV, but we did let them watch a few movies now and then when VCRs first came out. We always had reading. We would go to the library and bring back a whole box of books every week. That was very special.
LT: Speaking from your own experience, what can parents do to encourage their kids’ receptivity to the dharma?
M: Children can’t be taught values, especially when they are very small. Values have to be modeled. Kids pick up what is around them. So I was very grateful that I met Rinpoche when my kids were at just the right age to learn the dharma from him. It wasn’t something they could learn from me, because I was learning it along with them.
Modeling respect for nature is a wonderful way to teach kids about compassion. You can say, “Here is a little ant that you want to be careful with. Imagine if you were a tiny ant and a giant came along; wouldn’t you be afraid?” It’s the same with plants. You may harvest things out of the garden or cut flowers, but you wouldn’t go through the woods just tearing out ferns or small trees. I had the kids imagine being a fern that was pulled up for no reason. So even though I didn’t have a dharma vocabulary then, I still tried to arouse compassion in them.
When I first started practicing Red Tara, my friend Drusilla gave me invaluable advice, which was to truly embody Tara when I sat in meditation. Who is Tara? Tara is loving kindness and compassion. So whenever my three young kids interrupted my practice, I always tried to respond with kindness and compassion, without irritation.
Imagine if you were Tara sitting on a cushion and a kid came along and said, “Mom, where is the peanut butter?” You wouldn’t say, “Quit bothering me, I’m trying to meditate.” You would just take a breath, accept the interruption, say, “The peanut butter is in the fridge,” and then go back to your practice. If you have to leave your seat, you do so as Tara and then sit back down again. You just do your best in the moment.
I find that scheduling is really important. In the morning I try to do a little practice before it’s time for Sena to get ready for school. Then I help her with breakfast and whatever else she might need. When she’s gone I sit down and resume my practice. I try to make being a loving and helpful parent part of my practice. Finding the right time to meditate is part of it.
Another thing you can do is involve your kids. If you’re doing Tara practice, hand them a mandala pan and let them make a mess. The first time we went to Tara practice in Cottage Grove, Lama Inge handed Jeb a conch shell and Nadja a bell. There is such purity in a child’s involvement that it doesn’t matter if some rice spills on the floor or they ring the bell at the wrong time.
The kids and I practiced together from the beginning, which was a wonderful way for our family to bond. We’d spread out a sheet in the bedroom and offer mandalas. We would do Red Tara practice together whenever someone we knew was havin a health crisis. At those times it gave us something to hold on to because it was the only thing we knew to do to help.
LT: Which aspects of dharma practice do you find that kids respond most positively to?
M: I think Tara is really wonderful for kids. Tara is like Mom. She is the ideal Mom—loving, compassionate, and all the things that go along with that. I think Tara is easy for kids to understand. At home we would often do very short practice sessions because I never wanted to stretch their attention span too far. We would close quickly and let them build on that. If you stretch kids too far, they can’t wait for the closing prayer. Of course, I can’t say how a tulku should be trained, but in the shrine room I always had stuff for the kids—crayons, paper, and things like dried fruit to help keep them alert and happy.
When you are raising kids, it is very powerful to do some- thing together, to work toward a goal. We made robes and text covers to help pay our way to the drubchen and that was a wonderful experience—a high point for us. Eventually the kids got tired of the sewing projects. But that’s how everything is with kids. You may get excited about finding some new creative way to motivate them, but two weeks later it doesn’t work anymore. So you have to think up something else.
I avoided reward and punishment with my kids. I wanted the motivation for certain things to come from within—for them to see the natural reward. Sewing robes to go to drubchen was a
natural reward, not an artificial thing like paying them to wash dishes or giving them a dollar if they sat quietly for an hour.
Ba and Josette Luvmour’s ideas on raising children have been really helpful for us. We have attended their workshops and read their book Natural Learning Rhythms. The Luvmours’ basic idea is that each child has wisdom at every stage. It’s not as though childhood is something you just go through to become an adult. It helped us to understand what was appropriate for our kids at different ages.
When Jeb was having a hard time as a teenager, Lama Drimed let him stay at Rigdzin Ling for a few months. Rather than having to get up at a certain time and act a certain way, Jeb worked on stupas until 3 am. I will be forever grateful to Lama Drimed for making the time and space for Jeb to get out of the nest and yet still be in a supportive environment. It was invaluable for him.
LT: How do you think a parent can best help the natural qualities of kindness and compassion unfold in their children?
M: When kids are young, teaching them to respect the land and little creatures really helps. Also it’s good for them to have animals to care for and love. And as they get older there are other ways they can help. We used to sing and play music at a nursing home or work with younger children. As a parent, you can make time to help your child take care of someone else. All my kids did this, and Sena is still doing it. I try to make it a positive experience. I get the juice, change the diapers, and help with the ideas. I try to support her in giving to another child. It’s good for teenagers to do service of some kind, because it's really easy for them to be self-centered. They can help out in a nursing home, with a handicapped child, or in a preschool. Jeb sometimes helped people out with firewood. It’s important for kids to see that some people are not as fortunate as they are or are having a difficult time and that they can make a difference in someone’s life.
LT: What would you say is the most important thing you have learned from your children?
M: It’s what my children taught me about heart, about love. This was something I was trying to teach them, but because kids are so pure they are even better at it. The most wonderful thing about kids is that they can become better at all of it than you. They reminded me to be kinder through their example of kindness to others. They would often help me soften my heart to a situation. Probably the greatest reward of parenting has been seeing their love going out and coming back. That’s Tara, the light and the love.
Mayche Cech and her husband Richo have three children: Nadja, Jeb, and Sena, who grew up on a small family farm amid gardening, music, art, dharma, and love. Mayche and Richo grow medicinal plants for seed and market them through their seed company, Horizon Herbs, in Williams, Oregon.
In this Windhorse, Lama Trinley continues to interview sangha members about their experience of integrating dharma into daily life.
LT: When and how did you first encounter the buddha-dharma?
M: It was the summer we were living at the Horizon School in Williams, Oregon, acting as gatekeepers for the Rigdzin Gatsal land that I met Rinpoche, and my first impression of him was “Grandfather.” I didn’t know anything about Eastern religions, but my relationship with my maternal grandfather had been incredible. He was a kind, wonderful man who never said a cross word. When I met Rinpoche I immediately recognized the same love and kindness in him. A seed was planted during my first Red Tara empowerment in 1989, but not much came of it for a while. It was all so foreign to me. I attended my first drubchen in 1990 and returned with my three kids the following year, when Sena was eight, Jeb eleven, and Nadja twelve.
Before we moved to Williams we were very isolated, living on a twenty-three-mile gravel road that ended in the middle of nowhere. I taught at a preschool once a week, but I had to drive for an hour and a half either around or over a mountain to get there. Around the time that I gave birth to Sena, I realized I needed a community because I didn’t have the support of a spiritual practice back then. I think that growing up so close to nature was the greatest gift the kids had. Nadja and Jeb had each other as friends. We didn’t have a TV, but we did let them watch a few movies now and then when VCRs first came out. We always had reading. We would go to the library and bring back a whole box of books every week. That was very special.
LT: Speaking from your own experience, what can parents do to encourage their kids’ receptivity to the dharma?
M: Children can’t be taught values, especially when they are very small. Values have to be modeled. Kids pick up what is around them. So I was very grateful that I met Rinpoche when my kids were at just the right age to learn the dharma from him. It wasn’t something they could learn from me, because I was learning it along with them.
Modeling respect for nature is a wonderful way to teach kids about compassion. You can say, “Here is a little ant that you want to be careful with. Imagine if you were a tiny ant and a giant came along; wouldn’t you be afraid?” It’s the same with plants. You may harvest things out of the garden or cut flowers, but you wouldn’t go through the woods just tearing out ferns or small trees. I had the kids imagine being a fern that was pulled up for no reason. So even though I didn’t have a dharma vocabulary then, I still tried to arouse compassion in them.
When I first started practicing Red Tara, my friend Drusilla gave me invaluable advice, which was to truly embody Tara when I sat in meditation. Who is Tara? Tara is loving kindness and compassion. So whenever my three young kids interrupted my practice, I always tried to respond with kindness and compassion, without irritation.
Imagine if you were Tara sitting on a cushion and a kid came along and said, “Mom, where is the peanut butter?” You wouldn’t say, “Quit bothering me, I’m trying to meditate.” You would just take a breath, accept the interruption, say, “The peanut butter is in the fridge,” and then go back to your practice. If you have to leave your seat, you do so as Tara and then sit back down again. You just do your best in the moment.
I find that scheduling is really important. In the morning I try to do a little practice before it’s time for Sena to get ready for school. Then I help her with breakfast and whatever else she might need. When she’s gone I sit down and resume my practice. I try to make being a loving and helpful parent part of my practice. Finding the right time to meditate is part of it.
Another thing you can do is involve your kids. If you’re doing Tara practice, hand them a mandala pan and let them make a mess. The first time we went to Tara practice in Cottage Grove, Lama Inge handed Jeb a conch shell and Nadja a bell. There is such purity in a child’s involvement that it doesn’t matter if some rice spills on the floor or they ring the bell at the wrong time.
The kids and I practiced together from the beginning, which was a wonderful way for our family to bond. We’d spread out a sheet in the bedroom and offer mandalas. We would do Red Tara practice together whenever someone we knew was havin a health crisis. At those times it gave us something to hold on to because it was the only thing we knew to do to help.
LT: Which aspects of dharma practice do you find that kids respond most positively to?
M: I think Tara is really wonderful for kids. Tara is like Mom. She is the ideal Mom—loving, compassionate, and all the things that go along with that. I think Tara is easy for kids to understand. At home we would often do very short practice sessions because I never wanted to stretch their attention span too far. We would close quickly and let them build on that. If you stretch kids too far, they can’t wait for the closing prayer. Of course, I can’t say how a tulku should be trained, but in the shrine room I always had stuff for the kids—crayons, paper, and things like dried fruit to help keep them alert and happy.
When you are raising kids, it is very powerful to do some- thing together, to work toward a goal. We made robes and text covers to help pay our way to the drubchen and that was a wonderful experience—a high point for us. Eventually the kids got tired of the sewing projects. But that’s how everything is with kids. You may get excited about finding some new creative way to motivate them, but two weeks later it doesn’t work anymore. So you have to think up something else.
I avoided reward and punishment with my kids. I wanted the motivation for certain things to come from within—for them to see the natural reward. Sewing robes to go to drubchen was a
natural reward, not an artificial thing like paying them to wash dishes or giving them a dollar if they sat quietly for an hour.
Ba and Josette Luvmour’s ideas on raising children have been really helpful for us. We have attended their workshops and read their book Natural Learning Rhythms. The Luvmours’ basic idea is that each child has wisdom at every stage. It’s not as though childhood is something you just go through to become an adult. It helped us to understand what was appropriate for our kids at different ages.
When Jeb was having a hard time as a teenager, Lama Drimed let him stay at Rigdzin Ling for a few months. Rather than having to get up at a certain time and act a certain way, Jeb worked on stupas until 3 am. I will be forever grateful to Lama Drimed for making the time and space for Jeb to get out of the nest and yet still be in a supportive environment. It was invaluable for him.
LT: How do you think a parent can best help the natural qualities of kindness and compassion unfold in their children?
M: When kids are young, teaching them to respect the land and little creatures really helps. Also it’s good for them to have animals to care for and love. And as they get older there are other ways they can help. We used to sing and play music at a nursing home or work with younger children. As a parent, you can make time to help your child take care of someone else. All my kids did this, and Sena is still doing it. I try to make it a positive experience. I get the juice, change the diapers, and help with the ideas. I try to support her in giving to another child. It’s good for teenagers to do service of some kind, because it's really easy for them to be self-centered. They can help out in a nursing home, with a handicapped child, or in a preschool. Jeb sometimes helped people out with firewood. It’s important for kids to see that some people are not as fortunate as they are or are having a difficult time and that they can make a difference in someone’s life.
LT: What would you say is the most important thing you have learned from your children?
M: It’s what my children taught me about heart, about love. This was something I was trying to teach them, but because kids are so pure they are even better at it. The most wonderful thing about kids is that they can become better at all of it than you. They reminded me to be kinder through their example of kindness to others. They would often help me soften my heart to a situation. Probably the greatest reward of parenting has been seeing their love going out and coming back. That’s Tara, the light and the love.
Mayche Cech and her husband Richo have three children: Nadja, Jeb, and Sena, who grew up on a small family farm amid gardening, music, art, dharma, and love. Mayche and Richo grow medicinal plants for seed and market them through their seed company, Horizon Herbs, in Williams, Oregon.
In this Windhorse, Lama Trinley continues to interview sangha members about their experience of integrating dharma into daily life.
LT: When and how did you first encounter the buddha-dharma?
M: It was the summer we were living at the Horizon School in Williams, Oregon, acting as gatekeepers for the Rigdzin Gatsal land that I met Rinpoche, and my first impression of him was “Grandfather.” I didn’t know anything about Eastern religions, but my relationship with my maternal grandfather had been incredible. He was a kind, wonderful man who never said a cross word. When I met Rinpoche I immediately recognized the same love and kindness in him. A seed was planted during my first Red Tara empowerment in 1989, but not much came of it for a while. It was all so foreign to me. I attended my first drubchen in 1990 and returned with my three kids the following year, when Sena was eight, Jeb eleven, and Nadja twelve.
Before we moved to Williams we were very isolated, living on a twenty-three-mile gravel road that ended in the middle of nowhere. I taught at a preschool once a week, but I had to drive for an hour and a half either around or over a mountain to get there. Around the time that I gave birth to Sena, I realized I needed a community because I didn’t have the support of a spiritual practice back then. I think that growing up so close to nature was the greatest gift the kids had. Nadja and Jeb had each other as friends. We didn’t have a TV, but we did let them watch a few movies now and then when VCRs first came out. We always had reading. We would go to the library and bring back a whole box of books every week. That was very special.
LT: Speaking from your own experience, what can parents do to encourage their kids’ receptivity to the dharma?
M: Children can’t be taught values, especially when they are very small. Values have to be modeled. Kids pick up what is around them. So I was very grateful that I met Rinpoche when my kids were at just the right age to learn the dharma from him. It wasn’t something they could learn from me, because I was learning it along with them.
Modeling respect for nature is a wonderful way to teach kids about compassion. You can say, “Here is a little ant that you want to be careful with. Imagine if you were a tiny ant and a giant came along; wouldn’t you be afraid?” It’s the same with plants. You may harvest things out of the garden or cut flowers, but you wouldn’t go through the woods just tearing out ferns or small trees. I had the kids imagine being a fern that was pulled up for no reason. So even though I didn’t have a dharma vocabulary then, I still tried to arouse compassion in them.
When I first started practicing Red Tara, my friend Drusilla gave me invaluable advice, which was to truly embody Tara when I sat in meditation. Who is Tara? Tara is loving kindness and compassion. So whenever my three young kids interrupted my practice, I always tried to respond with kindness and compassion, without irritation.
Imagine if you were Tara sitting on a cushion and a kid came along and said, “Mom, where is the peanut butter?” You wouldn’t say, “Quit bothering me, I’m trying to meditate.” You would just take a breath, accept the interruption, say, “The peanut butter is in the fridge,” and then go back to your practice. If you have to leave your seat, you do so as Tara and then sit back down again. You just do your best in the moment.
I find that scheduling is really important. In the morning I try to do a little practice before it’s time for Sena to get ready for school. Then I help her with breakfast and whatever else she might need. When she’s gone I sit down and resume my practice. I try to make being a loving and helpful parent part of my practice. Finding the right time to meditate is part of it.
Another thing you can do is involve your kids. If you’re doing Tara practice, hand them a mandala pan and let them make a mess. The first time we went to Tara practice in Cottage Grove, Lama Inge handed Jeb a conch shell and Nadja a bell. There is such purity in a child’s involvement that it doesn’t matter if some rice spills on the floor or they ring the bell at the wrong time.
The kids and I practiced together from the beginning, which was a wonderful way for our family to bond. We’d spread out a sheet in the bedroom and offer mandalas. We would do Red Tara practice together whenever someone we knew was havin a health crisis. At those times it gave us something to hold on to because it was the only thing we knew to do to help.
LT: Which aspects of dharma practice do you find that kids respond most positively to?
M: I think Tara is really wonderful for kids. Tara is like Mom. She is the ideal Mom—loving, compassionate, and all the things that go along with that. I think Tara is easy for kids to understand. At home we would often do very short practice sessions because I never wanted to stretch their attention span too far. We would close quickly and let them build on that. If you stretch kids too far, they can’t wait for the closing prayer. Of course, I can’t say how a tulku should be trained, but in the shrine room I always had stuff for the kids—crayons, paper, and things like dried fruit to help keep them alert and happy.
When you are raising kids, it is very powerful to do some- thing together, to work toward a goal. We made robes and text covers to help pay our way to the drubchen and that was a wonderful experience—a high point for us. Eventually the kids got tired of the sewing projects. But that’s how everything is with kids. You may get excited about finding some new creative way to motivate them, but two weeks later it doesn’t work anymore. So you have to think up something else.
I avoided reward and punishment with my kids. I wanted the motivation for certain things to come from within—for them to see the natural reward. Sewing robes to go to drubchen was a
natural reward, not an artificial thing like paying them to wash dishes or giving them a dollar if they sat quietly for an hour.
Ba and Josette Luvmour’s ideas on raising children have been really helpful for us. We have attended their workshops and read their book Natural Learning Rhythms. The Luvmours’ basic idea is that each child has wisdom at every stage. It’s not as though childhood is something you just go through to become an adult. It helped us to understand what was appropriate for our kids at different ages.
When Jeb was having a hard time as a teenager, Lama Drimed let him stay at Rigdzin Ling for a few months. Rather than having to get up at a certain time and act a certain way, Jeb worked on stupas until 3 am. I will be forever grateful to Lama Drimed for making the time and space for Jeb to get out of the nest and yet still be in a supportive environment. It was invaluable for him.
LT: How do you think a parent can best help the natural qualities of kindness and compassion unfold in their children?
M: When kids are young, teaching them to respect the land and little creatures really helps. Also it’s good for them to have animals to care for and love. And as they get older there are other ways they can help. We used to sing and play music at a nursing home or work with younger children. As a parent, you can make time to help your child take care of someone else. All my kids did this, and Sena is still doing it. I try to make it a positive experience. I get the juice, change the diapers, and help with the ideas. I try to support her in giving to another child. It’s good for teenagers to do service of some kind, because it's really easy for them to be self-centered. They can help out in a nursing home, with a handicapped child, or in a preschool. Jeb sometimes helped people out with firewood. It’s important for kids to see that some people are not as fortunate as they are or are having a difficult time and that they can make a difference in someone’s life.
LT: What would you say is the most important thing you have learned from your children?
M: It’s what my children taught me about heart, about love. This was something I was trying to teach them, but because kids are so pure they are even better at it. The most wonderful thing about kids is that they can become better at all of it than you. They reminded me to be kinder through their example of kindness to others. They would often help me soften my heart to a situation. Probably the greatest reward of parenting has been seeing their love going out and coming back. That’s Tara, the light and the love.
Mayche Cech and her husband Richo have three children: Nadja, Jeb, and Sena, who grew up on a small family farm amid gardening, music, art, dharma, and love. Mayche and Richo grow medicinal plants for seed and market them through their seed company, Horizon Herbs, in Williams, Oregon.
